How'd you lose all that weight? Part 1.
On June 14th of last year, I followed through with a decision that changed my life. I had the gastric sleeve. I hesitate to talk about my previous weight, current weight, and what I did to get here for a few reasons that I want to address first before sharing my story. I used to be the girl who read other people’s posts about their weight loss journey, and I would feel everything from bitterness, jealousy, to anger, and comparison. I was happy for that person but envious would be an understatement. Reading their posts never brought me joy and it typically sent me into a weeklong frenzy of sadness and a mental battle to say the least. This is why it has taken me an entire year to open up about this decision I made for myself. I never want to cause the feelings I talked about above for someone else. Talking about weight is not easy and I never want to make someone feel like they are less worthy or not good enough because of their weight. I don’t want people to read my story and think that my opinion is that being “skinny” is better. There are a lot of reasons why I chose to get weight loss surgery and it wasn’t all for the desire to be small, but I used to read peoples weight loss journeys and that’s all I got out of it no matter what they said, and I let it define my worth. So, if you are reading this post and you are also struggling with your weight, please know that I see you and I hear you. I understand you and I hope you hear my heart in this. You are worthy despite what the scale says and being a certain size does not make you worth more or less.
I have never considered myself to be “skinny” by any sense of the definition, but I have always been some sort of fit. In high school I was in athletics and although I wouldn’t have considered myself an athlete, I chose to be in it in order to have someone force me to workout. I also was a cheerleader from 3rd grade to my junior year and then again in college for a short time. In college, I went to the gym often and really focused on my physique as much as possible. I haven’t always made the smartest decisions diet wise but in between bad decisions I was crash dieting, meal prepping, and working out. That kept me at a healthy size most of my late teens and early twenties.
Then, unfortunately, in 2017 I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer which resulted in the removal of my entire thyroid in March of that year. If you don’t know anything about the thyroid, know this. It plays a very key role in a person’s metabolism and hormone regulation. I had always heard people talk about gaining weight due to thyroid issues but never really understood it until I was in their position. Yes, I was on thyroid medication to regulate my hormones (and still am/will be for the rest of my life) but the medication just does not function the same or do near as well as one’s actual thyroid organ. From November of 2016 (when I noticed that something was not right and went to the doctor) to September of 2018, I gained 120lbs. That is considered very rapid weight gain and my body definitely felt it.
I was miserable. I began having skin issues that is brought on by rapid weight gain in which I am still seeing a dermatologist for. I went to Vegas on a family vacation to visit my brother-in-law who was stationed there and after walking 30,000 steps in Vans, I gained stress fractures in both of my feet in which I now still have to wear special inserts in my tennis shoes for. I had worn Vans to a day at Six Flags a few years before and never had an issue, but the doctor said that my feet could not handle the weight of my body anymore without supportive shoes due to how overweight I had become. I began having hormonal issues that caused skin boils, skin tags, and facial hair. The straw that broke the camels back for me was when I was told that I was pre-diabetic. Was I miserable in clothes and with the way I looked because society drills it into us that being skinny is best? Absolutely. But my misery went far deeper than just my looks. Yes, of course there were days that I cried my eyes out because I felt like I looked horrible in every single outfit I owned but there were also many days I cried because my feet, knee, and back pain were unbearable or because there I was at 26 plucking chin hairs over something that I truly felt I couldn’t help. The realization that I couldn’t shave often anymore or wear deodorant because I would get an ingrown hair that would turn into a skin boil was also terrible to deal with and made me more self-conscious than I could ever communicate. I state these very real, raw, and quite honestly embarrassing moments for me to show that not all of my misery was based on my size. There were days I got dolled up and felt pretty but beauty is fleeting no matter what size we are. The pain I felt in my body and the physical symptoms I was experiencing were awful. I truly just wanted to feel my age again, have my health back, and also my energy. I think we as females can agree that it doesn’t matter if you’re a size 2 or a size 24, there are days where we all feel horrible about ourselves. For me though, I had lost my health. I remember sitting in one of my best friend’s living room after buying a pair of jeans because I had outgrown all of my other ones and saying “The size of these jeans do not lie. My size has gotten out of control, and it has absolutely affected my health in ways unimaginable.” All while choking through so many tears.
It was at that point that I made big changes. I started tracking most all of my food and started making way healthier choices. I wouldn’t say that my diet prior to this was terrible but I began taking my diet way more serious and eating clean. I used a system called “itrackbites” which is similar to Weight Watchers but far more affordable. I had a friend who was an accountability partner, and we were actually great accountability partners; not the kind that let “cheating” slide. I hesitate to say cheating here because I no longer feel that “cheating” is a good term to use when it comes to a healthy relationship with food but back then, that is exactly how I viewed it. After speaking with my doctor, I made a goal to lose 60lbs in two years. Yes, that is very slow, but it was realistic for me in my position with a low metabolism and if I lost more than that, then YAY what a celebration! So, for two years, while in school to achieve my BSN, I was pretty health conscious. I wasn’t perfect, don’t get me wrong; but I was doing a lot of things right and should have lost quite a bit of weight. Unfortunately, though, in two years, I only lost 18lbs. I plateaued about a year and a half in and after six more months of trying I lost not a single pound more.
At this time, I was struggling pretty bad with anxiety. I visited my primary doctor for this reason and when he asked me, “What triggers your anxiety?”, I broke down about my health. The breakdown was unexpected, but I couldn’t control it. I had been working so hard and felt so defeated. This is when he mentioned weight loss surgery. I had thought about it before but to be honest, never thought my support system would go for it, and also continued to block it out as an option out of fear of what others would think about it. Sounds silly, I know. We all talk about how other people’s opinions don’t matter but most of the time, that is easier said than done, right? Either way, my doctor talked to me about it and recommended it. He gave me some print outs about the Gastric Sleeve, and I went on about my way. Looking back, I remember feeling hope for the first time in a long time when I walked away from that appointment. I brought it up immediately to my husband as soon as I got home. We did research, talked about it, prayed about it, and also spoke with some of our closest people about it. I received nothing but support. One thing led to another, and I landed myself in an operating room three months later. June 14th of 2021, my life changed for the better. Story to be continued in Part 2, coming soon.
